|Nigel thinks we need new words for:|
2. The minor, irrational feeling of
panic which occurs between depression and release of the "send"
button in MS Outlook.
3. The action of attempting to fit
crumpled banknotes obtained via a supermarket's cashback facility into one's
wallet or purse.
4. The delay in exiting a computer
program caused by a failure to read the program's questions carefully enough
to know whether "Yes", "No",
ďOK or ďCancelĒ means "Go Away."
5. Of a commercial organisation, to
diversify into a market manifestly inconsistent with the companyís name.
e.g. British Gas selling electricity.
6. To behave in a brusque or abrupt
manner in an electrical shop, in the mistaken belief that this will discourage
the staff from trying to sell you £25 worth of extended warranty with your £15
8. When telephoning a large
corporation, the short pause which tells you that your (limited) enjoyment of
the lo-fi light music is about to be interrupted by a snotty-voiced recorded
woman informing you that your call is important to them, but not important
enough to be answered right away, or possibly ever.
9. Of American style catering
enterprises, to offer such a bewildering variety of options that it is
impossible for the customer to get what they want.
e.g. Starbucksí refusal to serve an ordinary cup of coffee.
10. Ready prepared meals which claim
to serve two people despite containing less than half a mouthful of food.
Their target market is tragic bachelors who donít want the
supermarket staff knowing that they havenít got a girlfriend.
11. The mixture of dried milkshake,
Big Mac sauce and squashed fries adorning a pavement which tells you that you
are less than three hundred yards from a McDonalds during the latter part of
the summer holidays.
12. The action of reversing towards
the right hand side of a petrol pump in a car with a driverís-side fuel
filler cap, thereby inspiring vivid gestures from other drivers who were
patiently queuing for a space on the left hand side of the pump.
13. The irrational feeling of shame
inspired by accidentally producing the wrong loyalty card in a supermarket.
14. A person who replies to an
e-mailed anecdote with a link to snopes.com explaining that the story: i) has
been around for years and ii) is untrue.
Also used to describe an adult who takes pleasure in informing small
children that there is no Santa Claus.
15. Unsure whether to accept a
Scottish banknote as change.
16. The feminine of parking.
Abandoning a motor vehicle in a convenient position which is out of the
way of others rather than proving something which canít quite be defined by
manoeuvring the car into a space so small that everybody has to get out
through the sunroof.
17. The wounded look on the face of a
techno-freak mobile phone owner who has just realised that someone else in the
room has the same ringtone.
19. An acronym that everybody insists
on repeating the last word of. See
PIN number, ATM machine or LCD Display.
20. The subtle vibration which
indicates that you are using a mouse whose rollers havenít been cleaned
21. A person who derives satisfaction
from removing food from the microwave before it finishes the last beep.
22. A person who fraudulently claims
to be able to tell the difference between before and after pushing the degauss
button on a computer monitor.
23. To accidentally iron a formal
shirt with the sleeves inside out, resulting in ridiculous concave creases
which just wonít go away.
24. (Of a small child) to discover by
experimentation that a shatterproof ruler isnít. Also applicable to adults who have just determined the
precise limits of their Significant Otherís patience.
25. Frenzied arm waving resulting from
a moment of inspiration coinciding with mechanical pencil failure.
26. The faintly alarming Boink noise
made by a central heating radiator on the first chilly day in Autumn.
27. The glance of embarrassed defiance
bestowed on someone who is legitimately using a disabled parking space by the
person illegally parked in the space next door.
28. The state of a cheap book, after
repeated and drastic efforts to persuade the thing to lie open flat have
resulted in the pages coming loose from the binding.
29. The moment, halfway through the
cycle of an automatic carwash, of absolute conviction that the machine is
about to cause permanent damage to your car, resulting in an almost
uncontrollable urge to drive out right away.
Giving in to this urge will cause permanent damage to your car.
30. Guilty awareness that the hinges
on oneís spectacles should have been tightened months ago.
31. Uncomfortable atmosphere generated
in a telephone conversation, caused by the other party waiting for a segment
of conversation predictable enough to allow him to change the handset to his
other ear without missing something important.
life-cycle of a Bic biro,
which may be summarised as: pristine; pocket clip broken; cap mangled; cap
missing; end chewed; end cap missing; end splintered; dead.
Pioneering work by students of Sigmud Freud indicates that anyone who
can prolong this cycle to more than three months is essentially
33. Prolonged inspection of a lawn
from inside a house, intended to persuade oneself that it doesnít really
need cutting for another week.
34. The act of replacing a burnt match
back in the box. Hence a cabinet
reshuffle resulting in a job for a politician who has retired once already.
35. To look oneself up on the internet. An entirely new form of self abuse for the digital age.
36. The process by which people spend
most of a day humming a song they donít like, merely because it was on the
radio when their alarm-clock went off.
37. Unsatisfying for no apparent reason - like the last mug of instant coffee from a jar.
38. The as yet unexplained property of
the universe which means that a person who has accidentally scrolled across to
cell XA 54329 while attempting to click-and-drag in Microsoft Excel is highly
likely to do the same thing again on their second attempt.
[editor's note: the last column in Excel is IV. In fairness Nigel spotted this schoolboy error to his unutterable mortification. The original is shown here to demonstrate the beauty of hyperbole and in order to maintain the purity of this original piece]
39. A product which has outgrown
its brand name. See Lemsip
(now available in blackcurrant.)
40. The substance which accumulates in office stationery cupboards. As of 2003, the composition is approximately 15% dot-matrix printer ribbons, 40% green biros, 10% 720KB floppy disks, 30% inextricably tangled rubber bands, and 5% bulldog clips.
Some of Nigel's favorite words
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