RE: re: Re: rE: FW: Telephone Fraud

Please worry about the following: This has actually happened to me! TWICE! TODAY! Fortunately, I wear an earthed aluminium foil hat, so the telephone signal did not reach me.

Forwarded message as follows:

Telephone Fraud:

My daughter's friend, who met a BT repairman in a club last week, has confirmed that a gang of telephone fraudsters is at work in the UK. This warning applies to fixed line telephones, mobile phones, payphones, remote-entry videophones and tin cans tied together with string.

If you receive one of these calls, the caller will ask to speak to someone you've never heard of. If you hang up at this point you will be connected to a premium rate line at 45.00 per hour, and the call will continue for the next twelve hours. You will also be billed a one-time 75.00 connection fee, although you will later receive through the post a voucher redeemable against a set of very nice wine glasses. The total added to your phone bill will be 965.00, including the cost of a short course of remedial maths lessons.

If, on the other hand, you explain to the caller that nobody of that name lives at your address, you will be connected to a kinky chat line in Bolivia, charged at 150.00/min. This charge will be itemised on your next credit-card bill and underlined in red. DO NOT DO THIS, unless of course you speak fluent Spanish.

Finally, the caller will say "I'm sorry. What number is this?" DO NOT READ OUT YOUR PHONE NUMBER! If you do this, your earnings will be attached, your wife will be sold to a brothel in Phnom Penn, and three heavily armed guys in dark suits will knock on the door and ask to borrow your car.

This scam is becoming very common. The Police, BT, OFCOM, MI6 and the telecommunications sub-committee of Friends of the Earth have admitted that there is nothing they can do about it. The practice in question is completely legal, and in fact you may be able to obtain a government grant to teach it to disadvantaged groups. It is thought that the income generated by this scam is used to fund international Rotarian fundamentalists.

If you receive a call like this, here is what you should do:

- Remain calm. Scream repeatedly.

- Answer the phone in a ludicrous high-pitched voice and claim to be a Chinese takeaway.

- Hang up immediately. Unplug your telephone, and microwave overnight on full power.

- Find a solicitor in Yellow Pages. Arrange to swear a notarised affidavit to the effect that you have never owned a telephone, used a telephone, or seen a picture of a telephone.

- Abseil down the Telecom Tower. Whenever you come across one of those transmitter thingies, smash it to flinders with a ball-peen hammer.

- Change your name by deed poll to Alexander Graham Bell.

Please, please, please - for the sake of all our children - pass this message on to your family and (remaining) friends.

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