|100 Reasons Nigel is Angry|
1. Birmingham. Where's the Luftwaffe now we really need them?
3. The number of parking spaces for cripples outside every public building. You'd think our nation had just fought, and lost, WW2.
4. John Prescott. Generally.
5. Pubs that don't sell soft drinks in pints when I'm driving. You want paying? I assumed this was a free sample.
7. Brand new CDs sold in cases with half the little plastic teeth which hold the CD on broken.
8. Spell checkers set to "US English." (See also "Military Intelligence".)
9. Mice that quite don't work properly.
10. Grand Prix racing. They should hire the guys who write the scripts for WWF.
11. Use of the word "like" to describe speech. As in "... so I'm like 'I'm an illiterate f***ing moron who should have been drowned at birth.' "
12. Buildings that don't admit to having a 13th floor. As if the numbers in the lift are going to make any difference to the machinations of fate.
13. The lecture centre at Brunel University (as seen in "A Clockwork Orange.")
14. Florida. Let the Cubans and the Haitians IN, kick the superannuated Medicare spongers OUT. Learn to count.
15. Variable speed limits on the M25.
16. All other speed limits, anywhere.
17. Grenwich Mean Time. Making the Scots eat breakfast in the dark would save more lives than every speed-hump in Britain.
18. Families who walk around shopping centres four abreast at the speed of mammal evolution. If you still haven't mastered walking erect, it is not a good idea to breed.
19. AutoSave. Evangelical Christians are behind it, I'm certain.
20. Kaliber. It's more depressing than drinking water.
21. Adverts telling you how easy it is to pay tax.
22. 105 key keyboards. I mean ¬ ?
23. Hip Hop. If you said that without a beat, you'd be jailed.
24. Colds. Proof that God is either a myth or a right bastard.
25. Packaging which requires a meat cleaver, two pairs of pliers, a cold steel chisel, a demolition hammer and four pounds of semtex to open.
26. Television programmes blithering about how great the 70s and 80s were.
27. Road signs that tempt you to take a shortcut down a cart-track and then disappear.
29. 15" monitors.
30. Shoe shops running out of size 12s.
31. People who spell "fair," or "fare" with a y in the mistaken belief that this imbues whatever tawdry crap they are hawking with olde worlde authenticity.
32. The Archers. Patronising to anyone who knows which end of a cow you shove grass into, and insufferably boring for the rest of us.
33. Call centres that play you horrible music for ten minutes and then
34. Dentists. Generally.
35. Fifteen year old Fords and Vauxhalls modified with bloody loud exhausts and three microns of ground clearance.
36. The driving style of the owners of the above.
37. My Documents. You've just admitted this is "My Computer," Bill, I'm not gonna save stuff where you tell me to, no matter how easy you make it.
38. John Lennon got shot, every member of Hearsay still walks the earth. Shoot musicians if you want to, but have some f***ing taste.
39. FHM. You don't buy it for the grooming hints, you're fooling no-one. If you want pornography, buy Playboy. Self delusion is a greater sin than self abuse.
40. Those woolly covers women put on toilet lids.
41. Graffiti. Civilised people mark their territory with razor wire.
43. Southern Water, who keep writing to me urging me to insure my drains (and have been doing so for years before I even thought of buying a house.)
44. Horse Boxes. Fill the damn thing with Styrofoam peanuts or something, so you can quit worrying about the horse falling over and start worrying about the three mile queue of latent road rage behind you.
45. Best Before dates. Nobody's mother can be trusted to handle such information sensibly.
47. Fifteen centimetre rulers. I don't want to get Freudian here, but no man invented those.
48. Breakfast cereals. Nobody likes kids less than I do, and I wouldn't feed them purple, monster shaped chunks of puffed maize first thing in the morning.
49. Cool Britannia. Listen up, I don't want to have to go through this again: A pair of Manchurian chimpanzees grinding through retreads of third rate 60s pop songs isn't cool Sawing a cow in half isn't cool. Suit jackets with no collars look stupid.
50. E-mails urging you to "forward this message them to 10 friends." Call me. I will come round to your house personally and explain how exponential growth works. Then I will cut your arms off.
51. Friends. (The TV show, not the people who've been avoiding you because you sent them chain e-mails.)
52. The use of "they" as a non gender-specific third-person singular pronoun. Feminists may object to the use of the word "he" instead. This is the only circumstance in which it is acceptable to use the phrase "Get back in the kitchen, Bitch" in mixed company.
53. Slough. Just begging to be replaced with a five million space multi-storey car park.
54. Devolution. We subsidise you through the EU. We subsidise you through the national government. If you want to play at being a proper country, you can buy your own hospitals you freeloading bastards.
55. Home Cinema. The local multiplex is four miles from civilisation. You live in a terrace. Next time you watch "The Matrix" at three in the morning I will shove the bass box up your arse and turn the volume all the way up.
56. Ironing. World peace may be beyond us, but couldn't we all get together and agree that creases are OK?
57. Generation X. Pull your trousers up. Turn your hat round. Quit whining. Get a job.
58. Cyclists. You shrink-wrap your arse and stick it in the air in front of me. You seriously expect me to drive round you?
59. Beds. Would it kill you to make the damn things a foot longer?
61. New Year's eve. You're broke and hungover from Christmas and you've got the nagging feeling that you could be having more fun somewhere else. For God's sake just go to bed.
62. Automatic gearboxes. You have no right to be that lazy if you can't afford a chauffeur.
63. Cash. I have a pocket sized device which lets me talk to people on the other side of the planet. My watch is more intelligent than the last lunar landing module. If I want to get a drink I have to count out pieces of eight like the Phoenicians did 7000 years ago.
64. Jehovah's Witnesses. I wouldn't ask directions from someone wearing a jumper like that, and you want to sell me an entire belief system?
65. People who say "missing you already."
66. Pet food. If it really contains "succulent chunks of prime beef and fresh vegetables in a rich tasty gravy" then have a spoonful yourself.
67. Pop-up toasters which do not accept the first seven attempts at depressing the lever as positive proof that you want them to toast something.
68. Un-funny "humorous" greetings cards. It is impossible to overstate the debt the world owes to Gary Larson.
69. Cheap toilet roll. How is it possible to manufacture a half mile strip of paper which can be torn in half lengthways without it breaking at any of the perforations?
70. The Post Office deciding to call itself "Consignia." I have friends who can ensure that your re-branding consultant is never heard from again.
72. Local papers. 95% of readers skip straight to the classifieds. The remaining 5% should not, under any circumstances, be approached.
73. The United Nations. Like hell they are.
74. "Fair Trade" coffee. I paid seven quid for a jar of the unfair stuff. If the coffee growers are starving it's hardly my fault.
75. The Chancellor of the Exchequer. Truly believes Cuba would work if he was in charge.
76. Adverts for banks. It is a statistical impossibility that one industry could produce so much dross by co-incidence.
77. Energy Saving Lightbulbs. How can a device which is twice the size, half as bright, ten times as expensive and based on entirely different technology possibly be marketed as "equivalent" to a normal 100W bulb?
78. "Ally McBeal" The emperor is naked! "Ally McBeal" is about as funny as a bomb at a funeral!
79. Three spoke alloy wheels. Nobody who can even spell "engineer" would design such an object, even in an asylum.
80. EU passports. The dog's vaccination record has more gravitas.
81. Forms which you have just received through the post that ask for your name and address.
82. Touch tone operated telephone menu systems which make you try every possible 6 digit number and still won't let you speak to a human being.
83. People who don't realise that "How's it going?" is a meaningless social convention and NOT a question.
84. Supermarkets which train their checkout staff to say "hello" to every customer. Look. I just want to buy a sandwich. I don't want a relationship.
85. Weathermen. NB: you are not entertainers.
86. Barbers who ask how you would like your hair cut. Shorter. Duh.
88. Small dogs. Quit barking. If we run out of toilet paper, you're the first thing to be sacrificed.
89. The gherkin in Big Macs. The maniac responsible for this lunacy has added more to the sum of human misery than Pol Pot.
90. Serial Numbers. Your numbering system could cope if every man woman and child on earth bought three hundred thousand of your crappy VCRs. I wish you'd over-engineer the bloody products.
91. Automatic Doors. If a pigeon lands anywhere in the same postcode, the damn things open. If I walk towards them briskly in straight line at a constant speed, I break my nose.
92. Calgon. Many people who think that this product saves them money are entitled to vote. This explains so much.
93. "Veneer" trim in cheap cars. Astonishingly un tree-like even for a petrochemical.
94. Missing house numbers. If you don't have the courtesy to make it clear that your house is not the one I'm trying to find, I reserve the right to move in for a week to make sure.
95. Local radio stations. Imagine if you could only buy one kind of newspaper, depending on where you lived. Imagine if the government encouraged diversity by forcing them all to print the same thing.
96. Wimpy hamburger restaurants. Run by people who wake up each morning, behold the unprecedented global dominance of McDonalds, then go to work anyway.
97. American units of measurement. The French got their way on this one. You got your way on ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ELSE. Stop sulking.
98. The hole in the cap of a Bic biro. I understand a small number of people have suffocated after a biro cap has become lodged in their windpipe. I do not understand why we want such people to live.
100. Pay and display car parks. I object to paying for the time when I'm parked. I really object to paying for the time when I'm not sure I won't be parked.
The worrying thing is I wrote this in one sitting. The very worrying thing is I may need to replace my keyboard. You really musn't set me off like this.
There are more than 100 things that anger Nigel!
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